Divorce in Midlife: Experience, Independence, and Self-Awareness Converge

If you’re in your 40s and suddenly thinking, I’d rather be alone with a houseplant than stay in this marriage, you’re not alone. Women initiate nearly 70% of divorces, and midlife is prime time for calling it quits. Why? Because the “I’m Done” decade is real. The most common age for a woman to initiate divorce is in her 40s, with the peak often occurring between ages 40 and 49. Research consistently shows that women can navigate divorce without long term mental or physical health consequences, as long as lifestyle medicine practices are in place to keep exercising, avoid the bottle and weight gain, and reliance on social connections.

Key Motivations for Midlife Divorce

1. The “I’m Done” Decade – By their 40s, many women have spent years juggling careers, kids, and emotional labor. If the marriage has been unsatisfying or unbalanced, this is often the decade where patience runs out and self-prioritization kicks in.
2. Empty Nest (or Almost-Empty Nest) Realization – When kids become more independent, many women start reevaluating their lives and realize they don’t want to spend the next 20+ years in an unhappy marriage.
3. Financial and Emotional Independence – Women in their 40s are often more financially stable than they were in their 20s or 30s, making it easier to leave a bad relationship.
4. Midlife Wake-Up Call – Hormones, personal growth, and the realization that life is short can all fuel a desire for change. If the marriage isn’t fulfilling, this can be the breaking point.

Divorce happens at all ages, but the 40s tend to be the sweet spot where experience, independence, and self-awareness converge—and many women decide to hit the reset button. Women in midlife may reassess their relationships, seeking more emotional fulfillment, independence, or personal growth. Women often report that staying in an unhappy marriage negatively impacts their mental and physical health, leading them to prioritize self-care over commitment. 

Burnout and Other Health Consequences of Divorce

Burnout is a risk of divorce. For women, lower income, former spouse divorce initiation, not having a new partner, and a higher level of conflict significantly predicted higher levels of divorce burnout. Men are less likely to initiate divorce but tend to show more emotional and financial distress when it occurs. Some studies suggest that women tend to suffer more chronic and long-term health consequences from divorce, while men experience more acute but shorter-term impacts.

Among women, higher income, fewer previous divorces, new partner status, and lower levels of divorce conflict predicted better physical health while higher income, participant divorce initiation, new partner status, and lower levels of divorce conflict predicted better mental health. However, other reviews that are more recent have found that overall health risk in divorcees is not significantly different compared to married people. Many of the risks that put a woman at greater risk can be addressed with lifestyle approaches: heavy alcohol consumption, lack of exercise, and being overweight increase the risk for post-divorce health problems. Once again, having someone to talk to makes you healthier.

Gray Divorce

Gray divorce refers to the dissolution of a long-term marriage among couples who are typically over the age of 50. The term “gray” evokes the image of gray hair, symbolizing aging, and highlights that these divorces occur later in life—often after decades of marriage. This phenomenon is driven by a variety of factors, including the empty nest syndrome when children leave home, evolving personal priorities as couples age, and increased financial independence (especially among women). While the legal procedures remain the same regardless of age, gray divorces can present unique challenges, such as the division of substantial assets, retirement savings, and adapting to new emotional and practical realities in later life.

Divorce varies by generation. Baby Boomers were likely to delay divorce for when children are grown and the weight of long-term dissatisfaction becomes too hard to ignore—but then divorce often became the pathway to reclaiming their identities. In my Gen X cohort, women grew up witnessing shifting attitudes toward marriage and divorce. As a result, they tend to be more skeptical of traditional roles and more willing to take decisive action when a marriage isn’t working. Millennials are marrying later compared to previous generations, which means the timeline for serious marital challenges is also shifting. While divorce is still a significant consideration, the initiation often happens later—sometimes in the late 30s or 40s—because these women bring different expectations to their relationships.

Conclusion

Divorce requires the courage to seek a life that feels right, the “when” is largely a product of the cultural, economic, and personal landscapes unique to each generation, but perimenopause is the most common time in a woman’s life to make a different choice.

References:

1. Hald, G. M., et al. 2020. “Divorce Burnout Among Recently Divorced Individuals.” Stress and Health 36 (4): 457–468. https://doi.org/10.1002/smi.2940.

2. Metsä-Simola, N., and P. Martikainen. 2013. “The Short-Term and Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Mortality Risk in a Large Finnish Cohort, 1990–2003.” Population Studies 67 (1): 97–110. https://doi.org/10.1080/00324728.2012.746386;

3. Sander, S., et al. 2020. “When Love Hurts – Mental and Physical Health Among Recently Divorced Danes.” Frontiers in Psychology 11: 578083. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.578083; Leopold, T. 2018. “Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes.” Demography55 (3) 769–797. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-018-0667-6; Lin, I. F., and S. L. Brown. 2021. “The Economic Consequences of Gray Divorce for Women and Men.” The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences 76 (10): 2073–2085. https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbaa157; Edwards, A. C., et al. 2024. “Divorce and Risk of Suicide Attempt: A Swedish National Study.” Psychological Medicine 54 (8): 1620–1628. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291723003513.

4. Sander, S., et al. 2020. “When Love Hurts – Mental and Physical Health Among Recently Divorced Danes.” Frontiers in Psychology 11: 578083. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.578083

5. Pellón-Elexpuru, I., et al. 2024. “Divorce and Physical Health: A Three-Level Meta-Analysis.” Social Science & Medicine 352: 117005. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2024.117005.

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